Saint. Depraved.

The sometimes spiritual musing of a depraved saint.

  • I Wish

    I Wish

    (This is a sad love song that is not about romance, but the death of my son.)

    I wish I had the words to try and make you see

    I wish I had a way to bring you back to me

    I wish I was so wise that I would always try

    to say the words just right to never make you cry.

    I wish I had the words to try and make you know

    I wish I had a way to never let you go

    I wish I was so wise that I could always say

    the words that sound just right so you won’t ever go away.

    I wish I had the words to try to make you feel

    I wish I had a way where fantasies were real

    I wish I was so wise as to look into your eyes

    and say the words that go unheard beneath the big blue sky.

  • As You Wish

    As You Wish

    (This came out of a self imposed exercise to write a poem inspired by a favorite movie, The Princess Bride.)

    “It must be true love,” he cried

    as he dropped his eyes.

    “For I love you still

    when you’re uncomfortable.”

    “It must be true love,” he said

    as he dropped his head.

    “For I love you still

    when you’ve unlovable.”

    “It must be true love,” he weaped

    as he fell asleep.

    “For I love you still

    that you’re unsleepable.”

    For it’s true love…

    and she requests a kiss.

    My only reply to her…

    As you wish…”

    “It must be true love,” he sighs

    as she passed him by.

    “For I love you when

    you’re unapproachable.”

    “It must be true love,” he called

    as he watched her fall.

    “For I love you when

    you’re unstoppable.”

    “It must be true love,” he cried

    as he questioned why.

    “For I love you still

    when unbelievable.”

    For it’s true love…

    and she requests a kiss.

    My only reply to her…

    As you wish…”

  • In The Light of Your Love

    In The Light of Your Love

    “Brethren, I do not regard myself as having laid hold of it yet; but one thing I do: forgetting what lies behind and reaching forward to what lies ahead,” Philippians 3:13

    Every question and every sign,

    All of my lessons and all of my lies,

    Every beginning and every end,

    All of my glory and all of my sin.

    Every rapture and every scream,

    All my ambitions and all of my dreams,

    Every grimace and every grin,

    All of my glory and all of my sin.

    All of my past and all of my story. All of my sin and all of my glory.

    It’s not who I am but it is who I was. Forgetting it all in the light of Your Love.

    Every trophy and every prize,

    All of my lovers and all of my lies,

    Every transgression and every kin,

    All of my glory and all of my sin.

    Every bondage and every chain,

    All of my doubting and all of my pain,

    Every confession and all of my skin,

    All of my glory and all of my sin.

    All of my past and all of my story. All of my sin and all of my glory.

    It’s not who I am but it is who I was. Forgetting it all in the light of Your Love.

    Every failure and all of my faith,

    All my abundance and all of my waste,

    Every real and all my make pretend,

    All of my glory and all of my sin

    Every dream and every desire,

    All my wants I try to acquire,

    Every correction and all discipline,

    All of my glory and all of my sin.

    All of my past and all of my story. All of my sin and all of my glory.

    It’s not who I am but it is who I was. Forgetting it all in the light of Your Love.

  • Everytime and everything

    Everytime and everything

    Everything I dream to do, I don’t.

    And everything I want to do, I won’t.

    Every prayer I want to pray, confessions that I want to say…

    Every time I try to speak, I choke.

    —

    Every time I try to stand, I fall.

    Every time I try to run, I crawl.

    Every prayer I want to sing, every song I want to bring…

    Every time I try to move, I stall.

    —

    Every time I try to laugh, I weep.

    Every time I try to stay, I leap.

    Every time I try to wake, pray the Lord my soul to take…

    Every time I try to pray, I sleep.

    —

    When will these devil horns, become a crown of thorns?

    When will I finally walk on holy ground?

    When will these streets so old, become the streets of gold?

    When will this pile of shit become a crown?

  • Today is tomorrow

    Today is tomorrow

    Every today I say, “tomorrow

    I’ll change my mind, I’ll change my ways.”

    But once again, the same old sin

    another time, another day.

    Every today I say, “tomorrow

    I’ll change my ways, I’ll change my mind.”

    But once again, the same old sin

    another day, another time.

    So, get off your seat, and get off your laurels!

    Get off your cross and get off your morals!

    Answer your doubts and answer your sorrows!

    Yesterday is gone… but today is tomorrow.

    Every today I say, “tomorrow

    I’ll change my heart, I’ll change my soul.”

    But once again, the same old sin

    another start, another goal.

    Every today I say, “tomorrow

    I’ll change my soul, I’ll change my heart.”

    But once again, the same old sin

    another goal, another start.

    So, open your mouth, and open your windows!

    Take care of the poor and take care of the widows!

    Confess your sins and suck life from the marrow!

    Yesterday is gone… but today is tomorrow.

    Open your eyes, and open your ears!

    Confess your guilt and dry up your tears!

    Pay back the debts of all that you’ve borrowed!

    Yesterday is gone.. but today is tomorrow.

  • Heartbroken, yet hopeful

    (This was my contribution to a Lent devotional. The poem referenced, It is I who darkens counsel, follows this post.)

    I get Gideon, because like Gideon, I don’t always get God.

    God called Gideon a “valiant warrior,” but he was afraid to obey.

    God calls me a son and a saint. But far too often I play the parts of a slacker and of a sinner.

    The Angel of the Lord said, “The Lord is with you.” Gideon said, “If the Lord is with us.”

    I tend to do the same.

    “IF God is good and IF He causes all things to work together for good…”

    And I too question God’s goodness.

    Gideon said, “O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about.”

    Shortly after my son’s death, I wrote this to God:

    Tonight’s the night I ask the questions.
    Tonight’s the night I question why.
    Where were you when my son was sleeping?
    Where were you the day he died?
    Where were you when all were praying?
    Where were you when I couldn’t sleep?
    Where were you when my heart was racing?
    Were you out saving other sheep?

    It is I who darkens counsel.
    It is I who wants to see.
    So where are you when my faith is failing?
    Where are you when I can’t believe?

    Like Gideon, I wanted to see the miracles.

    But I did not.

    Instead of miracles, I received a tiny casket and a fresh grave.

    And like Gideon and so many others who came before, I fight and argue with God.

    But just like with them, He does not seem to mind. After all,

    God is close to and heals the brokenhearted; He saves those of us who are crushed in spirit, And He binds up our wounds.

    Psalm 34:18 and 147:3

  • it is I who darkens counsel

    (Written after the death of my son Jude. this is my reply to Job 38… Not about a loss of faith, but instead of unbelief.)

    tonight’s the night i ask the questions
    tonight’s the night i question why
    where were you when my son was sleeping
    where were you the day he died

    where were you when all were praying
    did you turn a deafened ear
    where were you when my son was fading
    where were you when I faced that fear

    where were you when i asked the questions
    where were you when i couldn’t sleep
    where were you when my heart was racing
    were you out saving other sheep

    tonight’s the night I ask the questions
    tonight’s the night you answer ME
    where were you when my faith was failing
    where were you when i couldn’t see

    don’t remind me of the great behemoth
    don’t remind me of leviathan
    i don’t care where the goats are birthing
    and i don’t care if you guide the wind

    it is I who darkens counsel
    it is I who wants to see
    so where are you when my faith is failing
    and where are you when i can’t believe

  • The gift of doubt

    I use to hear it every day,

    “God gave you the gift of faith!”

    But now I know what faiths about,

    since death gave me the gift of doubt

  • When my mistress calls

    (Not what it sounds like.)

    i

    sorrow became my secret love
    and grief became my mistress
    and the grave became my lover’s lair

    tears became my lover’s wine
    the never ending temptress
    when we became a romantic pair

    for when sorrow calls i can’t resist
    the sweetness of my love’s release
    calling me back to my lover’s knees
    calling me back to my lover’s grief

    ii

    sadness became my lover’s gift
    and pain became the pleasure
    because want became the appetite

    sleep became my lover’s vice
    now the holy grail for sure
    as the days turn into sleepless nights

    my lover’s voice is sorrow’s song
    trapping me in lover’s fears
    calling me back to my lover’s pain
    calling me back to my lover’s tears

    iii

    aching became my lover’s kiss
    and death became the flirting
    and loss now the aphrodisiac

    crying became my lover’s play
    and groans disclose the hurting
    when all i want is to have you back

    when my mistress calls i must succumb
    when sorrow sings all strength is through
    when my mistress calls i remember all
    at least in grief i can be with you

  • Fallen

    (Based on the form of an Italian sonnet. This is about a lack of faith, and not a loss of it.)

    we already know that i’ve fallen from grace
    with secrets that no one should tell
    does God even know that i already fell
    that i no longer can find His face

    we already know that i’ve fallen from faith
    with doubt that is serving me well
    does God even know that i’m sliding to hell
    since my hope is still out of place

    but i’ve hear that you can stop the floods
    and i’ve heard that you can calm the seas
    and protect the delicate rose buds
    that You sometimes set the captives free
    so when will cleanse me from this blood
    and when, oh God, will you calm this storm inside of me