Author: saintdepraved

  • I wanted to love you

    (A recent prayer. Makati City, Philippines)

    a lifetime ago and a lifetime away

    i knew what i wanted and wanted to say

    i wanted to love you and trust and obey

    a life time ago and a lifetime away

    a lifetime away and a lifetime ago

    i knew what i wanted and wanted to know

    i wanted to love you i wanted to show

    a lifetime away and a lifetime ago

    a lifetime before and a lifetime behind

    i knew what i wanted and wanted to find

    i wanted to love and to be kind

    a lifetime before and a lifetime behind

    a lifetime behind and a lifetime before

    i knew what i wanted and wanted to score

    i wanted to love you and wanted to soar

    a lifetime behind and a lifetime before

  • Son she moves

    (“Son she moves like she knows how to please” was written years ago. The rest was written in Cuba to a guy about to lose the girl he was too blind to see.)

    son she moves like she’s ready to love

    son she moves like a beautiful dove

    son she moves like a woman in need

    son she moves like she knows how to please

    son she moves like she’s ready to dance

    son she moves like a steamy romance

    son she moves like she wants to be bare

    son she moves like she’s already there

    son she moves like she’s ready to leave

    son she moves like she wants to believe

    son she moves like a stupid love song

    son she moves like she’s already gone

  • So afraid (Cuba, 2005)

    i’m so afraid i’ll never change

    afraid my heart won’t rearrange

    afraid my mind won’t be renewed

    afraid my life won’t live in you

    i’m so afraid i’ll never live

    afraid you will not still forgive

    afraid you will not hear my screams

    afraid i will not be redeemed

    i’m so afraid i’ll never see

    the son you took away from me

    afraid my faith will not survive

    afraid i’ll not see him alive

    i’m so afraid i’ll never be

    justified, forgiven, free

    afraid of daniel’s lion den

    afraid i’m judas with his sin

  • Now can I praise you (Cuba, 2005)

    how can i praise you with these lips that lie

    and how can i love you with this hearts that’s broken

    how can i praise you with this tongue that’s tied

    and how can i love you with these sins unspoken

    how can i seek you with these eyes so blind still searching for their earthly pleasure

    how can i reach you with these hand that bind still grasping for their earthly treasurer

    how can i praise you with these lips unclean

    and how can i love you with this hearts that’s aching

    how can i praise you with these sins unseen

    and how can i love you with this heart still breaking

    but i love you for you first loved me and i praise you with a heart that’s free

    but i love you for you first loved me and i praise you with a mouth You cleaned

  • These sins

    these sins i thought i left behind

    are the sins i can not help but find

    these sins that will not disappear

    are the sins that cripple me with fear

    these sins i thought i left behind

    are the sins that separate my kind

    the sins that will not go away

    are the sins destroying me today

  • Confession is so easy (unfinished)

    (Started sometime in 2005 and completed in Makati City, Philippines in 2006.)

    confession is so easy

    but it’s so hard to repent

    of every sin and every thorn

    and pound of flesh i’ve spent

    confession is so easy

    but it’s so hard to redeem

    every time and every crime

    and all my futile dreams

    confession is so easy

    but it’s so hard to forgive

    seven times or seventy

    for as long as we shall live

    confession is so easy…

  • Communion and acrobatics

    (I’ve heard a lot of people serve Communion. Most try to tie it back to a sermon they just heard, and their unpreparedness shows. This isn’t my “I could do it better” thing; this is simply what I would say if I served Communion.)

    I’d join the movement if there was one I could believe in.

    Yea, I would break bread and wine if there was a church I could receive in.

    Because I need it now…

    U2 – Acrobat

    I was going to start this with, “I grew up in a tradition where communion was…”

    The thing is that I don’t remember taking communion that often until college.

    I don’t have this deep-rooted emotional attachment to it.

    I don’t see youthful tradition (habit?) when I meander down memory lane.

    God and me bonding over the bread and wine is not a picture that my memory paints.

    Regardless, somewhere along the way in my ongoing understanding of communion, I found 1 Corinthians 11:27-30.

    For this reason, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord. A person should examine himself first, and in this way let him eat the bread and drink of the cup. For the one who eats and drinks without careful regard for the body eats and drinks judgment against himself. That is why many of you are weak and sick, and quite a few are dead.

    Yikes!

    Really?

    People have DIED because of the way they took communion?

    Holy smokes, this is serious. So, let me say this.

    This is my story.

    I don’t want to mislead you about communion. I’m simply sharing my story (my testimony) about how I receive the bread and the cup.

    Somewhere along the way – I truly don’t know where or why – I wondered if the “unworthy” part was talking about me. As in, “am I worthy to take communion?”

    Here’s the problem: I don’t like what I see when I examine myself to see if I am worthy.

    You may not see it, but I do.

    And God does.

    And He and I both know that if it is up to me… then I am never worthy to receive communion.

    So yeah, each communion, I ask myself if I am worthy to break the bread and drink the wine, and the answer is no.

    But that is the point.

    If I am worthy, I don’t need what the bread and wine remember.

    If I am worthy, I don’t need the broken bread; Jesus’ flesh that was broken for me.

    If I am worthy, I don’t need the wine; Jesus’ blood that was poured out for me.

    So when I break the bread and drink the wine, I bow my head, I beat my chest, and I say, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” (Luke 18:13)

    If I am worthy, then I don’t need the bread, and I don’t need the wine.

    But I’m not.

    So I do.

  • What Peter Murphy and She Wants Revenge taught me about community

    We are made for community. It’s true you know. We are made for community.

    Here’s the rub, community is not always easy to find.

    I saw Peter Murphy and She Wants Revenge in concert. It was my first time to see both. And it was amazing.

    I cannot say for sure, but I am pretty sure I was the only Christian there.

    If you know anything about their music or their culture you know it is not very “Christian friendly.”

    But as I stood in line with the Goths and the ghouls,.I felt strangely at home.

    I fit in.

    I belonged.

    These are my people…

    So there I was crammed into this small venue of a club. Hot. Sweaty. Tired. Singing and dancing.

    I met a couple who came to see Peter Murphy, but fell in love with She Wants Revenge.

    The three of us made mock fun of the poor band who had to open for them both. They were forgettable at best and no one was there to see them. Poor things.

    The couple and I talked about Peter Murphy’s new-found love of crazy hats and wondered if he would wear one this night (he did not).

    I met Adam Braven from SWR. We chatted. Took a few photos. He was kind enough to sign my concert shirt. Yea, I acted like a typical fan.

    We sang and danced.

    We watched some random guy totally ignore his VERY turned on date.

    We marveled at the energy of the youth and admitted that yes, youth is indeed wasted on the young.

    It pains me to say it, but that was a nice change.


    I had recently returned from a 3 month business trip to Costa Rica. During that trip our church made a few changes. One was to disband the only place where I connected.

    So here I am attending a church where I don’t really belong. A church that we never did join.

    The harder we tried to fit in at that church the more we didn’t fit and the more we didn’t belong.

    At one point an atheist friend suggested that we find another church. Oh, the irony.

    What we had in common – our faith! – was overshadowed by the minor things on which we didn’t agree. And although they were minor (when compared to our faith) they were plentiful.

    Anyway, at the concert I felt at home, accepted, a part of something.

    What we had in common – music – overshadowed the major thing on which we didn’t agree.

    Which brings me back to the Church. There is a lot to disagree with.

    Do you dunk or do you sprinkle?

    is the Earth old or young?

    Is Genesis 1 literal or simply a poet’s explanation?

    Did God make all of this in 6 days or no?

    Should women be pastors, teachers, elders, deacons?

    Can you be gay and a Christian?

    Did Jesus really rise from the dead?

    Here’s the thing, the only question that really matters is the Jesus one. Did Jesus rise from the dead?

    If not then my faith – and all of Christianity – is false, fake, vanity.

    And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is futile and your faith is empty. Also, we are found to be false witnesses about God, because we have testified against God that he raised Christ from the dead, when in reality he did not raise him, if indeed the dead are not raised. For if the dead are not raised, then not even Christ has been raised.And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is useless; you are still in your sins. Furthermore, those who have fallen asleep in Christ have also perished. For if only in this life we have hope in Christ, we should be pitied more than anyone.

    I Corinthians 15:14-19

    There you have it, God’s Achilles Heel.

    Want to disprove Christianity once and for all? Then disprove the resurrection of Jesus.

    As far as I can tell that is the only way to do so.

    Disprove creation? Great, we were wrong about how God created the world.

    Disprove the flood? Fine, we were wrong about our understanding of that story.

    Disprove the Tower of Babble? Awesome, we were mistaken again.

    But disprove the resurrection of Jesus and you disprove all of Christianity.

    So what did Peter Murphy and She Wants Revenge teach me about community?

    They taught me this; to have community I need to NOT focus on the minors, and Christianity has a lot of minors.

    Instead, lets focus on the majors (what we once called the Fundamentals of the faith) and show a little grace, patience, and love with the others.

    Let’s focus on community, common… unity…

    What do you say? You in?

  • Still Hidden in Her

    I want to see the starry nights
    Now hidden by the city lights.
    And I want to see my lover’s shape still hidden in her flair.

    I want to see the morning sun
    before the day has yet begun.
    And I want to see my lover’s nape still hidden in her hair.

    I want to be more than I already am and more than they thought I could be.
    I want to be more than I thought that I could and more than they thought they would see.

    I want to taste the lust of life
    And taste the love that is my wife.
    And I want to taste my lover’s yin still hidden in her head.

    I want to taste the life of lust
    Submission that will come with trust.
    And I want to taste my lover’s sin still hidden in her bed.

    I want to be more than I already am and more than I thought I could be.
    I want to be more than I thought that I could and more than I thought I would see.

    I want to see the gothic flair
    Cathedrals reaching to the air.
    And I want to see my lover’s fate still hidden in her layers.

    I want to see decadent views
    Of all the thirst I see in you.
    And I want to see my lover’s hate still hidden in her prayers.

    I want to be more than I already am and more than you thought I could be.
    I want to be more than I thought that I could and more than you thought you would see.

    I want to speak the poet’s words
    Of long lost love and the absurd.
    And I want to speak my lover’s need still hidden in her tears.

    I want to speak language of love
    Language of lust, language of doves.
    And I want to speak my lover’s greed still hidden in her fears.

    I want to be more than I already am and more than we thought I could be.
    I want to be more than I thought that I could and more than we thought we would see.