Category: Poetry

(Written after the death of my son Jude. this is my reply to Job 38… Not about a loss of faith, but instead of unbelief.)

tonight’s the night i ask the questions
tonight’s the night i question why
where were you when my son was sleeping
where were you the day he died

where were you when all were praying
did you turn a deafened ear
where were you when my son was fading
where were you when I faced that fear

where were you when i asked the questions
where were you when i couldn’t sleep
where were you when my heart was racing
were you out finding other sheep

tonight’s the night I ask the questions
tonight’s the night you answer ME
where were you when my faith was failing
where were you when i couldn’t see

don’t remind me of the great behemoth
don’t remind me of leviathan
i don’t care where the goats are birthing
and i don’t care if you guide the wind

it is I who darkens counsel
it is I who wants to see
so where are you when my faith is failing
where are you when i can’t believe

I use to hear it every day,

“God gave you the gift of faith!”

But now I know what faiths about,

since death gave me the gift of doubt

(Not what it sounds like.)

i

sorrow became my secret love
and grief became my mistress
and the grave became my lover’s lair

tears became my lover’s wine
the never ending temptress
when we became a romantic pair

for when sorrow calls i can’t resist
the sweetness of my love’s release
calling me back to my lover’s knees
calling me back to my lover’s grief

ii

sadness became my lover’s gift
and pain became the pleasure
because want became the appetite

sleep became my lover’s vice
now the holy grail for sure
as the days turn into sleepless nights

my lover’s voice is sorrow’s song
trapping me in lover’s fears
calling me back to my lover’s pain
calling me back to my lover’s tears

iii

aching became my lover’s kiss
and death became the flirting
and loss now the aphrodisiac

crying became my lover’s play
and groans disclose the hurting
when all i want is to have you back

when my mistress calls i must succumb
when sorrow sings all strength is through
when my mistress calls i remember all
at least in grief i can be with you

(Based on the form of an Italian sonnet. This is about a lack of faith, and not a loss of it.)

we already know that i’ve fallen from grace
with secrets that no one should tell
does God even know that i already fell
that i no longer can find His face

we already know that i’ve fallen from faith
with doubt that is serving me well
does God even know that i’m sliding to hell
since my hope is still out of place

but i’ve hear that you can stop the floods
and i’ve heard that you can calm the seas
and protect the delicate rose buds
that You sometimes set the captives free
so when will cleanse me from this blood
and when, oh God, will you calm this storm inside of me

you are the pleasure and you are the pain
you’re the rhythm inside me and inside my veins
you are the blindness that helpsme to see
you’ve infected me

inside me you bind me and make me insane
you’re the movement inside me and inside my brain
you are the faith that helps me believe
you’ve infected me

you are the purpose and you are my fate
you’re the reason inside me and inside my hate
you are the pleasure that helps me to please
you’ve infected me

inside me you find me and make me vibrate
you’re the actor inside me and inside my bait
you are the lesson that helps me to leave
you’ve infected me

another day to say hello, another one to laugh
another day to merge as one, as we lay upon the grass
and push ourselves into togetherness

today we’ll be to quiet, and stare into the sky
today we’ll not make a noise, today we’ll act so shy
as we wonder why

another day to cry, another one to weep
another day to mourn, our forgotten dreams
as tonight we drift asleep

today we’ll have each other, in a violent rage
today we’ll fight and quarrel, until anther day
then we’ll go our separate ways

another day is here, and you’re all alone
today it seems so empty, with out you here to hold
so why must you still go away

(unfinished)

i decreed to test the pleasure

but none i found could satisfy

none could fill my apatite

and none could fill my eyes

i decreed to test the pleasure

to drink the wine the blood of life

taste the wine when lost in sorrow

taste the wine when lost in strife

i decreed to test the pleasure

to test the pleasure of my eyes

but visions can not soothe the soul

and visions can not satisfy

i decreed to test the pleasure

to test the pleasure of the skin

but flesh was left still wanting more

and flesh was left still wanting sin

(To Walt Whitman in response to As I Ponder’d in Silence.)

i

your muse was wrong

your phantom lied

we do not write of war at all

we write of love

we write of love!

we write of love and nothing more

we write of love

the love of war

the love of death as all must fall

we write of love

the love of death

we write of love and nothing more

ii

we write of love

the love of death

the love of war since all crusade

we write of love

the love of war

we write of love and nothing more

we write of love

the love of loss

the love of pain since all betray

we write of love

the love of pain

we write of love and nothing more

iii

we write of love

the love of pain

the love of loss since all will bruise

we write of love

the love of loss

we write of love and nothing more

we write of love

the love of sex

the love of touch that all will lose

we write of love

the love of touch

we write of love and nothing more

iv

we write of love

the love of touch

the love of sex that we require

we write of love

the love of sex

we write of love and nothing more

we write of love

the love of God

the love of Love that all desire

we write of love

the love of Love

we write of love and nothing more

v

we write of love

the love of Love

the love of God since all have sinned

we write of love

the love of God

we write of love and nothing more

we write of love

the love of want

the love of need we all pretend

we write of love

the love of need

we write of love and nothing more

vi

we write of love

the love of need

the love of want since all are numb

we write of love

the love of want

we write of love and nothing more

we write of love

the love of sin

the love of  self since all succumb

we write of love

the love of self

we write of love and nothing more

vii

we write of love

the love of self

the love of sin since all will fall

we write of love

the love of sin

we write of love and nothing more

your phantom lied

your muse was wrong

we do not write of war at all

we write of love

we write of love!

we write of love and nothing more

(A prayer…)

is this part of the battle and is this part of the fight

is this part of the way we were

before i fell apart last night

is this part of salvation and is this part of the grace

is this part of the way we were

before i fell from your embrace

is this part of the struggle and is this part of the rage

is this part of the way we were

before i fell into this cage

is this part of redemption and is this part of the hope

is this part of the way we were

before i learned that i can’t cope

is this part of the glory and is this part of the joy

is this part of the way we were

before i learned how to destroy

is this part of the fighting and is this part of the game

is this part of the way we were

before i hung my head in shame

(A recent prayer. Makati City, Philippines)

a lifetime ago and a lifetime away

i knew what i wanted and wanted to say

i wanted to love you and trust and obey

a life time ago and a lifetime away

a lifetime away and a lifetime ago

i knew what i wanted and wanted to know

i wanted to love you i wanted to show

a lifetime away and a lifetime ago

a lifetime before and a lifetime behind

i knew what i wanted and wanted to find

i wanted to love and to be kind

a lifetime before and a lifetime behind

a lifetime behind and a lifetime before

i knew what i wanted and wanted to score

i wanted to love you and wanted to soar

a lifetime behind and a lifetime before