Saint. Depraved.

Category: Random thoughts

  • Heartbroken, yet hopeful

    (This was my contribution to a Lent devotional. The poem referenced, It is I who darkens counsel, follows this post.)

    I get Gideon, because like Gideon, I don’t always get God.

    God called Gideon a “valiant warrior,” but he was afraid to obey.

    God calls me a son and a saint. But far too often I play the parts of a slacker and of a sinner.

    The Angel of the Lord said, “The Lord is with you.” Gideon said, “If the Lord is with us.”

    I tend to do the same.

    “IF God is good and IF He causes all things to work together for good…”

    And I too question God’s goodness.

    Gideon said, “O my lord, if the Lord is with us, why then has all this happened to us? And where are all His miracles which our fathers told us about.”

    Shortly after my son’s death, I wrote this to God:

    Tonight’s the night I ask the questions.
    Tonight’s the night I question why.
    Where were you when my son was sleeping?
    Where were you the day he died?
    Where were you when all were praying?
    Where were you when I couldn’t sleep?
    Where were you when my heart was racing?
    Were you out saving other sheep?

    It is I who darkens counsel.
    It is I who wants to see.
    So where are you when my faith is failing?
    Where are you when I can’t believe?

    Like Gideon, I wanted to see the miracles.

    But I did not.

    Instead of miracles, I received a tiny casket and a fresh grave.

    And like Gideon and so many others who came before, I fight and argue with God.

    But just like with them, He does not seem to mind. After all,

    God is close to and heals the brokenhearted; He saves those of us who are crushed in spirit, And He binds up our wounds.

    Psalm 34:18 and 147:3

  • Communion and acrobatics

    (I’ve heard a lot of people serve Communion. Most try to tie it back to a sermon they just heard, and their unpreparedness shows. This isn’t my “I could do it better” thing; this is simply what I would say if I served Communion.)

    I’d join the movement if there was one I could believe in.

    Yea, I would break bread and wine if there was a church I could receive in.

    Because I need it now…

    U2 – Acrobat

    I was going to start this with, “I grew up in a tradition where communion was…”

    The thing is that I don’t remember taking communion that often until college.

    I don’t have this deep-rooted emotional attachment to it.

    I don’t see youthful tradition (habit?) when I meander down memory lane.

    God and me bonding over the bread and wine is not a picture that my memory paints.

    Regardless, somewhere along the way in my ongoing understanding of communion, I found 1 Corinthians 11:27-30.

    For this reason, whoever eats the bread or drinks the cup of the Lord in an unworthy manner will be guilty of the body and blood of the Lord. A person should examine himself first, and in this way let him eat the bread and drink of the cup. For the one who eats and drinks without careful regard for the body eats and drinks judgment against himself. That is why many of you are weak and sick, and quite a few are dead.

    Yikes!

    Really?

    People have DIED because of the way they took communion?

    Holy smokes, this is serious. So, let me say this.

    This is my story.

    I don’t want to mislead you about communion. I’m simply sharing my story (my testimony) about how I receive the bread and the cup.

    Somewhere along the way – I truly don’t know where or why – I wondered if the “unworthy” part was talking about me. As in, “am I worthy to take communion?”

    Here’s the problem: I don’t like what I see when I examine myself to see if I am worthy.

    You may not see it, but I do.

    And God does.

    And He and I both know that if it is up to me… then I am never worthy to receive communion.

    So yeah, each communion, I ask myself if I am worthy to break the bread and drink the wine, and the answer is no.

    But that is the point.

    If I am worthy, I don’t need what the bread and wine remember.

    If I am worthy, I don’t need the broken bread; Jesus’ flesh that was broken for me.

    If I am worthy, I don’t need the wine; Jesus’ blood that was poured out for me.

    So when I break the bread and drink the wine, I bow my head, I beat my chest, and I say, “God, be merciful to me, a sinner!” (Luke 18:13)

    If I am worthy, then I don’t need the bread, and I don’t need the wine.

    But I’m not.

    So I do.

  • What Peter Murphy and She Wants Revenge taught me about community

    We are made for community. It’s true you know. We are made for community.

    Here’s the rub, community is not always easy to find.

    I saw Peter Murphy and She Wants Revenge in concert. It was my first time to see both. And it was amazing.

    I cannot say for sure, but I am pretty sure I was the only Christian there.

    If you know anything about their music or their culture you know it is not very “Christian friendly.”

    But as I stood in line with the Goths and the ghouls,.I felt strangely at home.

    I fit in.

    I belonged.

    These are my people…

    So there I was crammed into this small venue of a club. Hot. Sweaty. Tired. Singing and dancing.

    I met a couple who came to see Peter Murphy, but fell in love with She Wants Revenge.

    The three of us made mock fun of the poor band who had to open for them both. They were forgettable at best and no one was there to see them. Poor things.

    The couple and I talked about Peter Murphy’s new-found love of crazy hats and wondered if he would wear one this night (he did not).

    I met Adam Braven from SWR. We chatted. Took a few photos. He was kind enough to sign my concert shirt. Yea, I acted like a typical fan.

    We sang and danced.

    We watched some random guy totally ignore his VERY turned on date.

    We marveled at the energy of the youth and admitted that yes, youth is indeed wasted on the young.

    It pains me to say it, but that was a nice change.

    I had recently returned from a 3 month business trip to Costa Rica. During that trip our church made a few changes. One was to disband the only place where I connected.

    So here I am attending a church where I don’t really belong. A church that we never did join.

    The harder we tried to fit in at that church the more we didn’t fit and the more we didn’t belong.

    At one point an atheist friend suggested that we find another church. Oh, the irony.

    What we had in common – our faith! – was overshadowed by the minor things on which we didn’t agree. And although they were minor (when compared to our faith) they were plentiful.

    Anyway, at the concert I felt at home, accepted, a part of something.

    What we had in common – music – overshadowed the major thing on which we didn’t agree.

    Which brings me back to the Church. There is a lot to disagree with.

    Do you dunk or do you sprinkle?

    is the Earth old or young?

    Is Genesis 1 literal or simply a poet’s explanation?

    Did God make all of this in 6 days or no?

    Should women be pastors, teachers, elders, deacons?

    Can you be gay and a Christian?

    Did Jesus really rise from the dead?

    Here’s the thing, the only question that really matters is the Jesus one. Did Jesus rise from the dead?

    If not then my faith – and all of Christianity – is false, fake, vanity.

    And if Christ has not been raised, then our preaching is futile and your faith is empty. Also, we are found to be false witnesses about God, because we have testified against God that he raised Christ from the dead, when in reality he did not raise him, if indeed the dead are not raised. For if the dead are not raised, then not even Christ has been raised.And if Christ has not been raised, your faith is useless; you are still in your sins. Furthermore, those who have fallen asleep in Christ have also perished. For if only in this life we have hope in Christ, we should be pitied more than anyone.

    I Corinthians 15:14-19

    There you have it, God’s Achilles Heel.

    Want to disprove Christianity once and for all? Then disprove the resurrection of Jesus.

    As far as I can tell that is the only way to do so.

    Disprove creation? Great, we were wrong about how God created the world.

    Disprove the flood? Fine, we were wrong about our understanding of that story.

    Disprove the Tower of Babble? Awesome, we were mistaken again.

    But disprove the resurrection of Jesus and you disprove all of Christianity.

    So what did Peter Murphy and She Wants Revenge teach me about community?

    They taught me this; to have community I need to NOT focus on the minors, and Christianity has a lot of minors.

    Instead, lets focus on the majors (what we once called the Fundamentals of the faith) and show a little grace, patience, and love with the others.

    Let’s focus on community, common… unity…

    What do you say? You in?